page 17: Take Care of What Takes Care of You

Throughout my life I’ve come across many quotes, many interactions, and many events that have changed my way of thought. None of them hit me to the core like the quote, “Take care of what takes care of you.” This quote was originally introduced to me by someone I consider a brother of mine. Considering he is a filthy hockey superstar, I will call him the Sage of Sauce because of his wise quotes and ability to toss sauce with the best of them. He told me about this quote stemming from Wayne Gretzky talking about his hockey sticks…

“I don’t like my hockey sticks touching other sticks, and I don’t like them crossing one another, and I kind of have them hidden in the corner. I put baby powder on the ends. I think it’s essentially a matter of taking care of what takes care of you.”

Looking at the quote, it seems like something an Italian mob family would keep as their motto, but I feel it is the essence of every great relationship and every solid family. Why do people feel so strongly to help their family when it may sacrifice their own personal dreams? Why do people feel the need to stick their neck out for their friends? Ignoring the blood relationship in family, it’s easy to see that they just feel a need to take care of those who took care of them.

Everyone has friends that they would take a bullet for, or at least I hope they do. No matter what, you know that what you do for them, they would do in return. It’s a simple fact of life, if you’re willing to put it all on the line for someone they won’t feel obligated to repay you, they will do it because you took care of them when they needed it. You know no matter how much advice or help you give to a good friend, they will get you back when its crunch time.

So take this quote and carry it with you. If someone is helping you out when you need it, take the time to appreciate what they do for you, and get them back when they need it. It’s the currency of friendship and family. Be wealthy and take care of those who take care of you.


page 16: deport the lazy people

If you’ve read enough of my blog, you already know I’m all about the hustlers of the world. The people willing to bust their asses on a daily basis on the grind to get what they desire. So what I’m about to say shouldn’t be all the shocking. I say we start deporting lazy U.S. citizens to Mexico in a trade for a hard working Mexican. I’m going to lay some points out there to get my point across.

First, I’ve heard countless people say how hard and fast Mexicans get their labor work done. For example, only taking about 7 hours to finish a roofing job. Come on, how many people have complained about an American spreading that out over a few days? I know I’ve seen it happen to my family. Sure, sometimes you get shotty work done from a suspected illegal worker, but what do you expect from someone getting underpaid?

Second, what kind of jobs do you think an illegal worker wants? Easy, any one they can find. Does anyone really want to spend their life as a janitor or doing labor? Nope. Not me. It is not that it’s an undesirable job, it’s just that we want more for a career. Sure, they may take some of our entry-level jobs but if we really want those jobs, do something crazy like out work someone for once. I’ve spent too many days working with people who only do the bare minimum to get by instead of putting 150% into their job to succeed and climb the ladder.

“The best shortcut is the long way, which is basically two words, ‘work hard’.”

Randy Pausch “The Last Lecture”

Third, what is the big deal about getting work done for cheap? We already send a ridiculous amount of jobs overseas because it is cheaper to do. Why don’t we just keep the jobs here in the States instead? We are being hypocritical in thinking that we shouldn’t let illegals work here for cheap when we already let other countries do our work for cheap. We already give “American” jobs away for cheap without illegal workers taking them directly.

Finally, I think America needs a jump-start in some way. I firmly believe we are getting too lazy and too comfortable with our status as a “World Superpower.” We need some internal competition to get this country back to our status as world leader. We need to get our country back to hustling and pushing the envelope in all industries before we are overrun by other countries, ahem China. Open the flood gates of Mexico and start interviews at the border. Make people want to do quality work at a quicker rate. It’s like in the movie Miracle. Coach Brooks brought in a few players deep into the Olympic team tryouts not because he wanted to replace players. He just wanted the current players to know that there were other people out there who wanted their spot just as much as they did. What he got from that was a harder working, more team oriented group of individuals.

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.  What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly, it is dearness only that gives everything its value”

Thomas Paine

Now is the tipping point in our society. Bring in the troops and make the common man fight for his spot. Force individuals to earn their spot in the work force instead of letting them assume a spot that they feel entitled to. In the end, I think this will all turn out in the best interest of America. Because I know, if I was a foreign nation looking at America I would respect us more if we were a country full of hard-workers than a bunch of entitled Paris Hilton’s. Let’s turn the country from the few, proud hard-workers to 100% hard workers. Be American, work American.

“Nothing in this world worth having comes easy.”


page 15: the meaning of life

(Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis)

Figured it out. How I figured it out is less than conventional. Last weekend I was working at my uncle’s alpaca farm and he seemed to spark the idea in my head. Which is probably the most unbelievable part because he was knee deep in a pile of empty wine bottles by this time. The doc looked at me and said, “I have advice for you, be nice to people and enjoy your life. It flies by too fast to deal with all the bullshit. Just be happy and live.” I figured it was simple and looked over it until I thought about earlier that day. My cousin and I had to clean the barn out and we let the alpacas out to the fields. They haven’t been up there in awhile and were cooped up in a smaller area for about 2 weeks. When we let them go, they were happy as can be. They were glad just to jog around and roll in the grass and dirt. Grass and dirt…really? That’s it?

 “The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything.  They just make the most of everything that comes along their way.”  


So that’s when it hit me, the meaning of life is to just enjoy life, be nice to those around you and have fun. No matter what religion you follow, if you believe we were put here by a higher being or just so happened to evolve from a “lesser” organism.  Doesn’t religion teach us to be at peace with one another and live the good life? And at the end of the day we are animals just like those alpacas and all they wanted to do was eat their grain and run around. So why do we think we need to search for this deep meaning of life? All that separates us from animals is our higher intelligence and our ability to run forever without stopping (that’s just science). If we just enjoy the time we have, live the dream, have kids and pass this on to them, we have found our meaning to life. It is just a perpetual circle of fun and enjoying the small things around us. Also, we have to be nice to those around us. They may annoy the hell out of us but they’re here for the same reason, just to enjoy life. If you’re nice to them, they will just pass on their happiness to someone else. This could probably help out the world more than you’d think.

“A little foolishness, enough to enjoy life, and a little wisdom to avoid the errors, that will do.”  


And if you’re wondering if you are fulfilling your role in life think about this question: are you enjoying life? If you can say yes, congrats. If you can’t then there’s no point in sitting around disgruntled, go out and get what makes you happy. You can take this meaning as too simple and therefore a crock of shit, or you can take it for what it is and smile every time you wake up. Our advanced society can sometimes cover up the small enjoyments in life. Just take a 15 minute break and go sit outside, the world isn’t as busy or gloomy as it seems. It will actually make you feel more peaceful and appreciate life a little more. Try it on and let me know how right I am…after all I am a narcissist, I should be right.

“Fear not where, fear not why, fear not much while we’re alive. Life is for living not living uptight”

Jay-Z “Young Forever”


page 14: money is temporary

This is my take on frugality, or the lack thereof. Throughout my short life, I can’t count how many times my mom has said an idea of mine was not a good financial decision. Granted my mom is a genius and yes, of course, she was right. It wasn’t a good financial decision but it was a good life decision. If I would’ve played it safe and listened to ma, I would’ve missed out on St. Patrick’s Day in Dublin, an unbelievable trip to Montreal during playoff hockey season, and the Winter Classic in Pittsburgh. Three things that are once in a lifetime opportunities, especially if you factor in friends who live too far away and have far different career paths.

So all this got me thinking, I’m going to make money throughout my life. I could save it, save enough to be a millionaire if I wanted. But then, what would be the use of it? Let’s back track through time a little. Before currency, people had to “buy” things by hoping whatever good, food or tool, they had was good enough to “purchase” what they needed from someone they happened to know. We created currency as a way to make goods more easily purchased and attained. Only until the evolution of currency did we decide to have a surplus as a status symbol. To me, saving money is wasted potential. Of course if you’re saving for a trip to St. Patrick’s Day in the motherland, I HIGHLY recommend it. But the next time you want to do something and you’re worried about money, don’t weigh the monetary pro’s and con’s because the con’s always win. Weigh the money vs. the opportunity for a good time. No matter how broke I am right now, I will never regret the good times I had on those trips. Life is too short to hoard money, there are too many things to experience. Besides, money is only temporary. You can’t take it with you when you die so you might as well spend it here. I, for one, plan on dying with no cash in the bank. Might as well live it up and make it thunderstorm on those closest to me. Got to let the grandkids know that poppa Colonel was the man. As a fair warning though, I’m not talking about making it rain on the Gucci store, the best memories are made by doing stuff with friends, not by wearing expensive stuff around them.

“Don’t gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver and gold.” 

-Bob Marley



page 13: YGBKM Award Winners up to now

Throughout my daily life, I seem to find the most “interesting” things and people. People pushing the limits of idiocy and, at times, ingenuity. I usually post these to my twitter account but 120 words just aren’t enough to describe these people. So here’s some winners for my first You Gotta Be Kidding Me Award Winners.

The Ingenuity Award

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Airport authority. Instead of waiting until your already functioning toilet paper dispenser was empty, you set up the handicapped stall with this high tech device to insure that they would never run out of TP. I do have to give you minus points though. You didn’t use the best material for our handicapped, you should’ve used duct tape instead of a rolled up garbage bag. For shame. And you call yourselves Pittsburghers.

The LPS Winner

Would you be surprised if I told you this Little Penis Syndrome Winner was from Alabama? Roll Tide! When you can’t stand tall at full mast, build a truck that does. Probably filled those tires with all of your hopes and dreams. I still don’t understand the point of having mud bogging tires on a truck that isn’t a) actively participating in a mud bogging event or b) crushing cars. The only thing that could’ve made this better is if it had solar panels on the roof and ran on biodiesel because they wanted to go green.

The Douche of the Post Office Winner

In today’s society, for every hardcore beater worn, a softie must be covered by it, and for every tatted up hardass, there must be tan crocs must be keeping his badassness from touching the ground of the peasants. To top it off, my man had his arms straight out from his sides bitching at his cell phone company, while on his cell phone using their services, about how bad their service sucks and how he refuses to pay for it. I just hope for their sake that they can hear his threats via their awful service. He’s probably using a tracfone and ran out of minutes about an hour ago.

Mr. WWE Winner

Everyone knows the big (read: large, out of shape) guy at the gym who lifts teddy bears and gumdrops but can’t seem to finish his set without grunting and dropping his weights to make him sound tough. I couldn’t get a pic of him, probably because of his superstardom. This guy strutted from one machine to another with this over his shoulder like he just won it off of the Undertaker in a casket match. I was too stunned and impressed to even ask him for an autograph. Rookie mistake.

Mr. GQ Winner

Rat tail? Check.

Hardcore 3-star rainbow colored tats? Check.

Dime-piece to make sure my hair is always perfect? 2/10 check.

Saw this dude at a farm-league baseball game rocking the hardest rat tail i’ve ever seen. Just straight murdering it. Even made me contemplate switching teams. Then I sniped out the 3-star tattoo he had on his neck. Not sure what it stood for but I’m assuming its either counting how many mani/pedi’s he’s received or how many years he’s been growing his filthy rat tail flow. It’s a good thing he had his little penny-piece to constantly twirl his rat tail and make sure it’s looking the best that it can. Just livin’ the dream.

If anyone is offended by this, I’m not sorry. If you’re going out into the world like this, expect the Colonel to make fun of you. And if all else fails remember, “If you can’t take a joke, you are the joke.” 


page 12: the abomination known as toll roads

Listen to this as you read. Might as well change the lyrics to highway of hell while you’re at it. “No stop signs, speed limit, nobody’s gonna slow me down.”

I recently made a trip across the Midwest back to Pennsylvania. Something that really pissed me off were the toll roads. I mean, are these jokers serious? Make me stop every 30 miles to pay a toll? For what? To drive on the shitty roads? To go a speed limit? Get real. I find it hard to believe that roads I have to pay to drive on are in worse shape than the backroads I drive on in good ol’ PA. I would understand if the roads were getting fixed up but I saw no construction, not even a warning of future construction. Here’s looking at you Indiana, get with the program. At least when I drive on the PA turnpike I have solid roads to cruise on and don’t have to dodge potholes or look out for “speed bumps” formed by a deformed highway.

I’d much rather spend the money on a Jeep and go offroading than take a toll road. Let’s be honest, off roading and tacking on time to your trip would be a hell of a lot more fun than stopping every 30 minutes for a toll to ride on a road that will tear up your suspension like the hulk tearing up a nursing home. Hell, I’ll start the first own privately owned highway if I have to. We need a revolution.

So like with every problem I find, I have the need to make a solution. My solution to keep me happy with paying tolls is this…if I have to pay a toll, get rid of the speed limits. I mean, we are grown ups behind the wheel. I’ll pay an extra 50 bones for a drivers test allowing me to go any speed I want on a toll road as long as I get to do such a thing. Let me decide what is dangerous driving. I’m talking no holds barred, white knuckle driving with no consequences. If you want to piddle on the turnpikes/toll roads, stay in the far right lane. In the words of Ludacris, “Move bitch, get out the way!” We’re Americans, let’s set the pace with freedom. If you’re making me drain my bank account to drive on your roads, let me be free enough to go fast enough to put wings on my car and fly. It’s like taking a 30 minute long survey with no chance of winning a few G’s. It’s un-American. The Germans have it right with their autobahn. So are we just going to sit here and let the Germans toss our shit in automobiles AND the highway system they have? I say no.


page 11: Never trust a man with no vices

“Never trust a man without vices.” -Winston Churchill 

Churchill had his cigars,

Bogart, Sinatra and the rest of the Rat Pack had their booze.

and Charlie Sheen has his winning, and all that goes along with it.

Every person on this planet has their vice. Something that really puts them in that place where nothing can go wrong. Something that can turn their day around just by the sight of it. It may be a beer, cigarette or a brownie but everyone has their go-to guilty pleasure. For example, I like to have a beer at what many consider the wrong time (read: right time) of the day on a random day to just relax and enjoy life.

Where I’m going with this, is that I find it hard for some people to be perfect. There are individuals who claim to be completely focused on their goals and don’t slow down for vices. In fact, they probably have looked down on you for your vice and considered you weak for it. Know who I’m talking about now? The little princess with her nose to the sky. Some people don’t know what they’re missing. Bring on the vices, if you don’t have one you should find one. There’s nothing better than sitting down on a Friday afternoon and just enjoying the vices you have with others. The more people, the better. Afterall, variety is the spice of life.

So I just want to give a toast to those of us who are proud of our vices. It doesn’t make us bad people, its makes us decisive people who know what we like. If a man shares his vice with me, I know he is comfortable with himself and can probably be trusted. It’s like he’s saying, “Hey, I have this weakness for this thing, but I’m cool with you knowing.” Have to respect someone when they open up with a “weakness.”

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